Are you content?

When I was in elementary school, I often daydreamed what middle school was going to be like and how I would do my hair, the clothes I would wear, and how I was going to do my makeup as soon as my mom let me wear it. Middle school rolled around and it wasn’t at all what I had planned in my head, I didn’t wear all the cool outfits and I didn’t own nearly enough hair baubles to have my hair like Lizzie McGuire’s (sigh) I was fine with this because everything would DEFINITELY get better once  I got to high school.

Except, high school came up and the same thing happened. It wasn’t what I had created in my daydreams but it was fine because once I graduated and started college I would, no doubt, be in a better place. Surprise! I graduated and then…nothing happened. From college, to working, to getting married and moving across the country, I’ve realized that most of my life I’ve been waiting for the next stage convincing myself  that I will be much happier in it.

This is not to say my life has been unrewarding, I have had the privilege to do amazing things with amazing people throughout my short 23 years. However, it seems more often than not I have sat around waiting for life to happen instead of making it happen for myself.

Which brings me to my question, are you content? It’s a tough question to confront, for myself at least. I’m definitely not unhappy, I just married my best friend-a man who  I wasn’t looking for but somehow landed in my life (that’s a post for a different day!) We have our own little nest, and a dog and cat to boot. It could almost be a sitcom.

My hesitation with answering “Yes, I am content” has nothing to do with my husband or our life together or my family. It’s an internal struggle; I feel like I finally know why I have always been waiting for the next stage in my life. I’m unhappy with myself. I’m unhappy with how I treat myself, I’m unhappy that I am capable and I am smart and yet  I feel unfulfilled. I’m unhappy because I have several decent talents and still haven’t found what something I’m passionate about. I have never written or spoken those words before.

I started writing my blog as a promise to myself to push myself out of my comfort zone and to try things I always wanted to but never did. This is my first step, and it feels good.

Now I have to ask you, are you content?

unrelated: this is my inaugral post on BlogHer, I am proud of myself!

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